13 days in the crapper….

To say I started 2014 less than optimistic would be an understatement. But here I am. Grumpy, cynical, and empty. EMPTY. Now that’s a feeling I didn’t expect to feel. OK, let me give you a little perspective. 2013 = 2 deaths in the family, didn’t move out, didn’t make any notable changes in my personal life, got burgled, and found out my BF’s younger brothers cancer is not getting any better. Then came January 1st. = a very unhappy Chelly.

Everyone always seems so bloody happy in the firsts days of the year. Why? How is January 1st any different from December 31st? It’s still cold, wet (for most of us in the UK anyway) and goals uncompleted are STILL incomplete. And everything we wish would be different is still, well… the same. (See here’s the cynicism I talked about)

OK I guess you can judge my current mood and mind state. Sorry about that by the way.

For the past year (and probably the 27 before it for that matter) I feel like I have barely existed. I woke up on January 1st not hung over from some false enjoyment at a party but sober at home in my bed and understanding something about myself that I never really took the time for before.

I want more.

13 days down… almost half way into the first month of the year. Everyone’s making their resolutions and ‘goals’ for the year. Well here’s me making just one.

I will stop existing by other people’s ideas of me and start living MY idea of me. Take risks, fall down, get up and live.

I feel like I’m always playing the long game… you know that 5 year plan type of game but experience has shown me that for me it’s not gonna work. OK I can here you groaning…. for things like study and finances yes OK. A 5 year plans a good thing but not for happiness and fulfilment. Not for me anyway. So starting from today I’m turning my back on long-term and moving to short-term plans. In fact… I’m shooting for spontaneity. 🙂

I’m sick of feeling empty and distracting myself by keeping busy with other people dreams and ideals.

So here’s what I say to January.  F#CK YOU! Your resolutions, your goals and your weather. I am a happy person and I will be happy again, NO, I will be bloody ecstatic! I will do the things that make ME happy and go to the places I want to go because I want to go there and take the risks I’ve always been too scared or irritatingly sensible to take.

I’m going to LIVE.

(Someone better tell by BF that he’s coming along for the ride)

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