Well it’s the home straight now…. just 32 days to go and I’m counting down. BELIEVE me I’m counting! All the major purchasing is done, I’ll start my deep cleaning and washing this weekend and generally start cooing over all the tiny things when I finish work for 9 months this week. Its been a wonderful journey and I’ve had a better run than most and I’m grateful.
32 days and counting….
I was one of those lucky women who skipped the morning sickness, heartburn and acid reflux. I’ve even managed to skip the stretch marks so far (I’m not holding much hope for this fact to continue though) I’ve had a small and tidy bump the whole way along and haven’t gained any weight (besides bump and boob) until now and even now I’d say its visibly only about 5lbs to look at me.
All that said you can only imagine the responses I get from people….. people I know (non parents) are really wowed and amazed, other people (mums) dependant on their independent experiences either are happy I haven’t experienced the worst or are pretending they are happy i haven’t whilst glaring at me with smiles on their faces and daggers in their eyes. And don’t even get me started on the strangers on the street…. to say this business of living like a goldfish just because I’m growing a human and being judged 6 ways from Sunday just for the privilege has gotten old. REAL OLD is an understatement.
Like I have any control over all this!??
When I started this blog it was meant to be about the journeys in this safari I call my life and help to to document it all to look back on and remember the adventures thus far it has been. This adventure….this pregnancy has been both amazing and challenging for me. In the one hand its been the most magical experience and in the other the most frustrating and at times depressing experience of my life. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not really complaining and besides it’s mostly the bloody hormones fluctuating up and down every 5 seconds but the core feeling is definitely there if only a momentary blip of irrational thinking every now and then.
Between the changes to you body, routine, sleep, work-life, home-life, relationships and even your gym routine (yes that was a big deal for me) its all a little much to bare. Yes, yes before you say it yes I did know what I was signing up for but you can never really anticipate how it all will make you feel. The worst of it all is the sense of loneliness I sometimes feel. Everybody carries on with their lives as normal, doing normal things and feeling they way they always do with maybe a little more excitement about the little pygmy on his way to blow a proverbial blow dart at the balloon of the usual daily doom and gloom of everyday life. For me… well for me a normal day consists of feeling tired, pained or uncomfortable, hot (like sweating buckets hot) or as though every step I take has just earned me another bloody vein to appear in my legs or groin (see? looks can be deceiving… I may be glowing but the veins in my legs are growing!) Basically its not actually that fun at this point. I’ really fed up. Even simple things like getting a simple evening to watch a film on Netflix with the hubster has become virtually impossible due to my sheer exhaustion or him getting caught up with work or other projects. All this and Pygmy isn’t even here yet! God help me.
I’m really fed up
Now I know I’m not the only ‘almost’ mum to feel this way by month 8 of human incubation but nonetheless it does leave you feeling lonely. No really quite understands how you feel….
Sure some please can relate to having felt similar to that during their own journey but they don’t actually get you or at least I don’t feel like they get me. I’m used to having a certain sense of self and understanding of my own body. I still feel I know myself, granted every now and then you get a new sensation (thanks baby for reminding me there is a entity whom I cant control in there) but its the constant stream of being under-minded and told what to do and how to feel and even worse HOW I’m GOING to feel I can stand. It took me a long time to be comfortable with my own understanding of myself and it being OK to project that and now I feel like me carrying my little pygmy has apparently given the world and his wife license to force their opinions and ‘wisdom’ on me. They push me and I push back. They moan and call me hormonal and snappy but I’m the one who walks away feeling like Sh*te for standing up for my own feelings and sanity. Is it any wonder why some animals go into solitude to born their young??
Am I being hyper sensitive? Probably but that’s still OK. It part of my journey. Its mine to bare. I just wish my nearest and dearest would remember that I need a little time too. That I’m not just a vessel, a mode of transport for the pygmy they are all waiting for so intently. That I am still me. and that I still need to FEEL LIKE ME.
As I draw ever nearer to the end of this path and come up to the crossroad that is preparing to be mum and all that goes with it; I find myself wondering if I will ever be the Me I used to know again. Will here be just this one little part of me that will remain the version of me that I worked so hard to find and keep. Will I find a new version of me a better one or will this adventure be the one that swallows me whole? Ok that was a little melodramatic…. but hey it’s my blog isn’t it!
32 days and counting…. I have no choice but to push on through the safari and find out. Just 32 days to get my sh*t together…. well…..
I made it this far…..